Lesson: Love cannot exist without someone to love, be it self or another. This autobiography teaches the importance of remembering that the higher love between two individuals must always acknowledge that Love flows into us from Creator so to be personalized and consciously radiated to another. Once our human love is personalized and shared with our beloved, such Love returns to the Holy Family. For Holy Love is only completed when mankind returns it transformed and personalized.
If you pay close attention, you may come to understand that ones societal understanding of how the higher love is shared is often tainted with judgment and small-mindedness. I learned long ago that our intentions determine the quality of any relationship.
THE HOLY SISTERS IN SAN JUAN: Part IVA
A few days later, Sisters Anna Marie and Theresa went over to my house to discuss allowing me to live with the Sisters. Sister Anna Marie told me that my biological mother was quite surprised with the request, as she had been wondering if they would take care of me for a few months.
Sister Anna Marie packed up a few clothes and my tooth brush. After all, I was only moving across the street.
When we returned to the Sisters home, Sister Theresa said, “Sister Agnes Louise and I discussed where you would keep your clothes and sleep. After some discussion, we agreed that it would be quite alright for you to sleep in Sister Anna Marie’s bedroom. So we asked Sister Anna Marie and she agreed. So with Sister Anna Marie you will sleep.”
I replied, “Thanks very much, Sister Theresa. I will be a good boy and you will be proud of me. I love Sister Anna Marie.”
So this is how, I came to live with Sister Anna Marie. Our relationship blossomed after the move. The longer we were together the more I felt she was my real mother. We were together most of the time. Soon, I could see that Sister Anna Marie truly believed that Holy Mother had sent her to earth so to love and care for me. I was happy.
One day, I asked Sister Anna Marie, “Mummy, why did you want to be a nun? You are so pretty that I am sure many nice men would have wanted to marry you.”
My question surprised her, but she answered, “My darling. No man would have wanted to marry me for I cannot bear children. I never fully matured. I do not understand why. The doctor said it would be impossible to have children.
“Anyway, I do have my very own child whom I love with all of my heart. You may not have come from my womb, but Holy Mother brought us together. I love you so very much. Perhaps, even as much as Lady Mary loved her human son, Jesus.”
I answered, “I am happy then, for I love you very much too. You are the best mother in the whole world.”
Sister Anna Marie smiled and bent down to lift me up into her arms, “Come, you little lady charmer, it is time for me to bathe you before the other Sisters need the bathroom.”
She carried me into our bedroom and undressed herself completely. After her habit and undergarments were removed and neatly folded, she took her night gown off a hook and put it on. Then, she would undress me and take me to the bathroom.
In the bathroom, Sister Anna Marie would turn on warm bath water. She would lift me over the side and into the tub for I was quite a small child. She normally only filled the tub a third full. Then, she removed her nightgown and climbed into the bath with me. She would kneel down and I would stand in front of her. She would take a small pitcher and pour the warm bath water over me. Next she dipped a bar of soap into the water and washed me.
After, I was nice and clean, Sister Anna Marie would give me the little pitcher so I could pour water over her front. After she was nice and wet, I would use the bar of soap. Then, I would rinse her. Next, she would stand up, turn around and kneel down so her back was facing me. I repeated the procedure.
After awhile, she and I found a pleasant routine so to share our feelings. As I was washing her, I would tell her, “Mummy, you are the prettiest, nicest, and smartest mummy in the whole world. You have such smooth skin. I like taking baths together.”
Sister Anna Marie would smile and hold my little body against her own. She would tell me every night, “My baby, you are first person my heart has ever been able to love without being afraid. You saved me from my lonesome and fearful life. It is true that true love will heal all wounds of the heart and soul.
“Now, I am going to kiss you all over and make you laugh,”
And laugh, I did, for I was quite ticklish. After my tickling, she would climb out of the bath, dry herself and put her nightgown on once again. Then, she would lift me out of the bath and dry me very well.
As I stood before her, naked and clean, she would instruct me to turn full around. Every day, she smiled and said, “Mummy has such a handsome boy. You will surely find a nice wife one day.”
I would reply, “But, Sister Anna Marie. I am going to marry you, did you forget already? You are only fifteen years more than me.”
Then, both of us would laugh and she would wrap me in my towel, and carry me to the bed we shared. I would sleep naked because I did not like wearing pajamas.
At first Sister Anna Marie wore her nightgown to bed, but I told her on many nights that I want to lie next to her when she was naked. I desired this quite innocently, but in hindsight, I am sure that it was because of my need for touching, as my biological mother was not at all affectionate.
As we were getting into bed, I would ask, “Sister Anna Marie take off your nightgown and hold me close to you as I fall asleep. I want to feel your skin all night for it makes me feel safe and loved. And when you are naked and are holding me, I imagine that I am still inside of your tummy. I wish I had been, Mummy.”
She would laugh, “Miguel, what would Sister Theresa think if she knew I slept naked with you? But, I would like to lay with you naked, honey. I love how you feel clean and naked. I would also like to feel your back against my tummy and imagine that you are inside my womb waiting to be born.”
One evening after our nightly exchange, Sister took my hand saying, “Darling, I doubt you realize how much your love and caring has helped me. For Miguel, you and I are alike in that neither had any affection growing up. My mother passed away giving birth to me and father blamed me. My family was very wealthy and father sent me away to the country to live with a wet nurse, old cook, and gardener. After, I was weaned, the wet nurse was sent away and the cook watched over me until I was ready for a governess.
“Father told them to take care of me, but show me no affection. He told me many times that living away from people was to be my punishment for killing my mother. The only time I was allowed to leave the house was to go to church on Sundays. My church was in the convent with the nuns.
“I did not mean to kill my mother when I was born. It just happened. But, I believed father and I felt a deep and endless guilt. Surely, I must be a very bad little girl.”
I saw that tears began to fall from the eyes of Sister Anna Marie. I did not know what to do or say. All I could do was to kiss her tears away from her cheeks.